I have always wanted to be a mother.
In 2012, I got married. I didn’t immediately want a child, until early 2014 when I felt ready to start a family. Unfortunately, I knew it wouldn't be easy. I’ve had polycystic ovary syndrome since I was in college, and because I didn't know what it was, I didn't seek treatment. Hence, when I began trying to conceive naturally... I couldn't.
I spent the first 2 years in my journey of trying to conceive on doctor visitations, injections, scans, medications, and yet, nothing happened. My doctor told me to try Intrauterine insemination or in vitro fertilization instead, but because of financial issues, I wanted to believe that God will heal me and give me a baby miraculously. I thought that if Mary could conceive as a virgin, nothing is impossible for the mighty God. But... the miracle I imagined didn't happen.
After multiple failures, many prayers, and seeing my friends have children one after another, I was heartbroken. I wondered why God had forsaken me and if he was punishing me. I began to feel resentful and angry. Where is this God that Pastor has been preaching about? Who is this God that other people have been glorifying?
In my disappointment, I stopped praying. I attended church but gave half-hearted worship and barely listened to the sermons. I even got myself a tattoo, with the words, 'In Loving Memory' to commemorate the child I never had. But then, during one worship session, I felt the touch of God. I felt his assurance, that he had never forsaken me, and that he wanted me to come home.
That day, I chose to trust in him again. I stopped trying to figure out when and how I will get pregnant, I stopped resenting God, and waited upon Him and His timing. In that faith, I faced a few miscarriages along the way, but I continued to root myself in God. Then, in April 2020, after 6 years of trying to conceive, God gave me Lucas. Even my doctor was surprised as the pregnancy test showed negative just 3 weeks prior, when I had already been 8 weeks pregnant!
Jeremiah 29:11 says, For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
You might think that I'm lucky because God answered my prayers. But hey, this is not luck! God knew us before we were born. His love for us is so big. So if you're facing a struggle similar to mine, I really encourage you to continue to draw near to God and anchor in His presence. Your miracle may not happen today, but in His timing and His will, He will fulfill His promise in your life... just as He did in mine.
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