Two years ago, I went through a very difficult divorce. I was lonely, helpless, in shambles and pieces.
I had met my ex-husband in a Christian music band called ‘Joshua Race’ in 1995. He was a professional keyboardist and I was the back-up singer. We had the same likes, dislikes, personality quirks, life goals, and characteristics. We were also both passionate about serving God. We fell in love and were married on 12 July, 1997. For a while, we were a happily married couple. I thought I had found happiness in life.
Of course, no relationship or person is perfect. I suffered from a controlling mother. She decided what is best for me ever since I was born until I became a mother, where she became even more involved in all decision making. I chose to listen to her and unknowingly, my actions affected my relationship with my ex-husband. He felt neglected and ostracized as a father and husband.
As with most couples, we had our fair share of arguments especially with my mum. Yet each time, I would give in to him because I loved him. I would think of him more than myself, making sure everything was well taken care of and the home is at peace and happy.
Before our son was born, I used to help him by singing at clubs or at events organised by his Event Management Company. After having our son, I stopped helping him at these company events. I wanted to take care of our son. He too agreed that the child was more important.
During this period his career begin to grow and evidently, his time with his female partner grew too. It ached my heart especially when I needed him most. We never had holiday trips as a family due to his work. He never allowed me to go for outstation trips with his team/partner. Not a day passed without an argument be it about my mum or his female partner.
The last straw came on 24 September, 2009. It was my birthday. After the celebration, his female partner called him for help. He immediately left the house without saying anything. When I called, he said her car broke down. I lost my head and shouted at him. I asked him how was it when my car broke down not once, but 3 times, he could not come to help me. Where else with her, he went at once. He was never there for me.
From that moment on, it was as if my life had stopped. I fell into a deep depression. I even attempted suicide. He mentioned divorce but I rejected it. After that, we became emotionally and mentally separated. We still lived in the same house but did not communicate. I tried to focus on taking care of my son and work. But I was slowly going crazy. I felt hopeless and lonely and cried myself to sleep every night.
I told God to leave me alone and that I wanted to control my own life. I couldn’t face God and my family because I felt guilty for having such a black mark on my testimony as a Christian. However, God refused to let me go.
One day, I was in the bathroom crying again over the matter. Suddenly an audible voice said, “Enough enough. Don’t go hurting yourself. Seeing you this way, is hurting me too. Do you know that?” It was God’s voice.
All this while, I thought I was alone and that God didn’t care. I broke down and cried for a long time. Just like God was searching for Adam and Even when they fell into sin, He was watching over me, crying for me, and waiting for me to come back to him. I repented and asked God for forgiveness.
A few months after that encounter in the bathroom, I met Pastor Tim. He said almost the same thing that God had said to me. He comforted me and told me I needed to move on and bring the matter to a close.
At that time, I was ready to divorce my ex-husband but still need further assurance. In one of the “Holy Spirit Encounter” with the teens, Pastor Cathryn saw a vision of a train with only one railway track. I was on that train, and she said, “You are on the train and you are on the right track.”
All these assurances were signs and confirmation I needed to take the next step, knowing God is always there for me. So on August 6, 2016, almost 7 years from that fated day, I filed for a divorce. Barely 3 weeks, it settled with no hiccups. It was like a heavy burden lifted off me. I felt God assuring me that He will take care of me.
Soon, I went back to worship leading after years of absence. I also got involved with a ladies group run by Pastor Teresa.
God says in Hebrew 13:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” And truly, He did not and has not. When I am lonely, He reminds me He is there with me. When I am down and out, He cheers me up. When challenges abound, His Grace abounds even more. My God is now my Father, my husband, and my friend. He meets all my needs and I am happy.
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